In fact, I got really sad thinking about it. Parents out there, help me out, is that normal? I was even crying. It could be my already-melancholy frame of mind. Here's the preface: mein hublein just had a birthday, and it almost went unnoticed by my family, aside from a conversation with me on the phone where I was asked to pass on a "Happy birthday" (which is something, I guess, but it would have been nicer if they'd talked to him directly) and my parents gave him a card. Hublein doesn't care, but I do. As for my birthday, for at least the last 3 years I have received my birthday present from my parents at Christmas (my birthday is in Nov), and I have received nothing from my brothers aside from the occasional card split between the 2 of them. My brothers are in their mid-to-late 20s and have been in various situations of in-school-and-part-time-working to in-school-and-out-of-work, to not-in-school-but-working-full-time; it doesn't matter, they never do anything. To clarify, I don't care about how much is spent or not spent - to me, birthdays are about showing the ones you love that you thought about them, that you're happy they're here and that you're happy to be in their life and have them in yours. While theoretically we should show each other love all the time, life does get busy, and I understand that; but the day of ones birth seems like an ideal day to set aside for letting your loved ones know how glad you are that they're, you know, alive. Pretty basic stuff. Unless you're from my family, apparently. Anyway, this latest show of "we don't give a shit" (ok, I'm being over-dramatic, I know) upset me, and got me to thinking about the fact that I WILL NOT tolerate this when it comes to my son's birthdays. So I'm drafting a letter that won't be sent until June (which still gives the fam plenty of time to prepare for Pengin's birthday in late July) that basically says that I expect better for my son and that spending money isn't the point, but I expect them to write or paint or do SOMETHING special for him on his birthday. Because I never want him to wonder why his family doesn't care, like I have. I never want that joy in the picture above to be taken from him, especially in the place where he should feel the most safe, most appreciated, and most loved: with his family.
12 comments:
I think it's so sad that your family doesn't acknowledge these special days. They have 364 other days to be indifferent. It shouldn't be accepted...especially since you GIVE and GIVE as only you can do. As your friend, I always feel special and appreciated (I fondly recall the day at Vaughan Mills where I balled over your Christmas card) Seriously, you have so much to give and I think you should just start channeling it towards people who appreciate it. It's a pretty sad day when you have to post a letter to Keir's grandparents and uncles to remind them to celebrate his birth in proper form.....he is the ONLY grandchild...the ONLY nephew. Regardless of that, he's their blood.......if that takes a reminder memo, than something is seriously amiss. No matter what happens though - he has the best Mommy/Ming/Mamma K in all the land...that will keep his smile going, lover. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Having a daughter almost 30, with her baby on the way, I can tell you that feeling never leaves. But you already know the secret. As his momma you will do all you can to keep it going! And when the disappointments come, and they will, you will be there to show him the way through.
In my family we make a big deal out of the kids birthdays, but if you are an adult, you get an email or a phone call or maybe a dinner if we can get organized.
I am honestly not one to spend a half hour at a Hallmark store looking of for the right card. It doesn't mean I don't love my family. But like all other holidays we do a kid-centric version of birthdays.
I've always made a thing about birthdays in our house. My father always said they were a celebration of life - that we have survived another year despite what the gods have thrown at us.
Every year I send my nephew and nieces cards an cash, but my kids' uncle never bothers. It upsets me, but in the end you can only do what you believe to be right. It's rare to be able to convince others to change
Celebrating birthdays is always fun, and important - especially for the kids (my own I kinda wish people would start forgetting... I'm just getting older, you know).
I'm sure you'll be able to keep that smile on his face with all the love you hold for your son.
So, you have the most beautiful baby in the universe! I can't even concentrate on the written part of your post b/c he's so damn cute! ! ! I love that you post incredibly awesomely cute photo's of your wee little baby! They always make me smile.
. . . . off to try and not get baby-cute distracted to read the rest of your post. . . .
Oh wow. That's super sad. I'm sorry about that. Family is so very important. I'm glad your little one will grow up knowing & living that.
He's still super cute!
Your kid's smile is stunning. Who couldn't love that grin?
As for the rest of your post (I, too, got distracted by the adorableness of your child) - Your kid is already a step ahead because he's got such a caring and giving momma. Even if your strongly worded letter doesn't do anything about your family, your child will always have you there and will know that he is completely and unabashedly adored...
Sauce, thank you so much for that wonderful comment. I la you tith.
Gawilli, thank you as well - I know disappointments will come in life. They are part of it all. I just don't want that to come from my parents/brothers. But you're right I will absolutely be there for him always, whether it's to share in joy or help him through the mire.
Hey Karen! I hear you - but in our family, birthdays weren't celebrated big every year, only every 5 years. Maybe that's why they're so important to me now. It's nice to have that one day. As my friend said in the first comment, my family has 364 days of the year to be indifferent - and my one brother really is for most of those days. He didn't even get my son anything for Christmas. His first nephew's first Christmas. Nothing. Again, it's not about the $ - you can get a great kid's book for under $10. There is just such a lack of effort by my family members when it comes to showing affection in general that it would be nice to have one day in the year that was better...
Kim, that's beautiful - a celebration of life indeed! I think it's a shame that your brother (or brother-in-law?) doesn't honour your kids on their birthdays. It speaks mountains of your character that you continue to honour his, though. You're a good man, Charlie Brown. :)
Thanks R.E.H. - don't worry about getting older, that's just numbers. How do you FEEL? That is far more important. I met a lady in her 70s once who was more full of life than some people I know who are in their 30s, or even 20s in some cases. She was an inspiration to me.
Haha Jen, that was so cute. Thanks - I think he's pretty gorgeous but I'm biased, right? :) Thanks for your comments r/e family - it really is so important. You could take everything else away if that remained...
Suze, you're right, and thanks for the vote of confidence (and to everyone else who offered same). I definitely don't take this gift for granted - it is my honour and privelege to be a part of my son's life, and to have him in mine. And I love his smile too. :)
Birthdays are a huge deal to me too. When I was a kid my birthday usually fell on superbowl. I stopped having parties after no one showed up for two years in a row.
Birthdays are not a big deal for the adults in my family. I usually get something small from my parents; it's unusual to get even a card from my brother. But that's just the way it is and it's never really bothered me.
I'm going to suggest another way of dealing with this--because even if you send that memo you can't MAKE your brothers care. And if they don't, you don't want that to be disappointing to the kiddo either. So I would suggest finding other ways and people to make that day special--make nice parties; invite your family, and if they show up, great; but invite other people too who you know will be excited. I think for kids, I mean this is all still new for them, they pick up their expectations from us. Frances has never been disappointed in her birthday celebrations, even when the only family who shows up are my parents (everyone else just lives too far away). There are oodles of friends there who more than make up for any lack.
Hi Andrea! I'm absolutely with you in terms of not influencing my son to feel that his maternal family is letting him down, but he's going to notice it on his own at some point, and if there's any possibility of preventing that from happening, I'd like to at least try. We'll definitely be ensuring that the celebrations include people who want to be there, though.
Thanks so much for your great comments!
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